Feeding My Heart with My Fork

I have been following a very restrictive diet for the past couple of weeks and have doing very well with it (at least sticking to foods that are on the plan) during that time but there are things that tempt me.  I find that I am especially vulnerable when I am feeling anger.

My coach Dianna and I had talked for length about me not eating the Pizza and Cake at my son’s birthday party this week.  I strategized I would bring a healthy salad for everyone and watermelon wedges to complement the cake for anyone who wanted it.  I would stick to water and focus on the party itself.  It seems easy but then there are things that happen. 


I’m just going to say it.  I was never comfortable not having cake at my son’s birthday party.   My coach was telling me I wasn’t going to have it.   In the moment while the kids were playing and I was picking up, keeping an eye on the picnic site, chatting with a friend about how I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted a slice of cake and I was really feeling boxed in and restricted I decided to be defiant, I cut a small slice of cake and in between bites, I thought about how good it felt to be defiant.  My plan was not to say anything, swear the people around me to silence and just let it be my secret.  As the day wore on I started feeling the effects of the cake, fatigue and irritability, but I also felt guilt.  It may be an act of defiance to eat the cake – even though no one was forcing me to eat it or not eat it, but if I am to hold myself accountable – I had no business trying to convince others not to tattle on me, I am the one who will see the results of my actions or choosing not to act.  It wouldn’t really matter to anyone else if I decided to eat the entire remainder of the cake (except maybe my son – who is hoping to enjoy some left-overs).    So after a long nap, I logged the cake into MyFitness Pal.

Even after all of that I wanted another piece of cake so after I ate some of my left over salad – I cut myself another slice.  I decided at this point guilt is a useless emotion; Dianna would probably be upset that I went back on my agreement with her not to have cake, but I will have to deal with that eventually. I should have spoken up and told her how I felt about not having any in the first place. 

The cake was good, I focused on each bite.  The thing I realized while focusing on it is that I knew even before tasting it that it would be really good, and exactly what the texture would be and exactly how it would taste.  So if I had maintained my agreement, I wouldn’t really have missed anything because I knew already what it would taste like.  Nonetheless I quickly devoured the piece and realized that it made me thirsty and left my mouth with a sticky feeling.

In the past I would have washed it down with a Diet Coke, but instead I chose plain seltzer water to satisfy my need for bubbles.  After nearly 4 weeks of foods which are low on the glycemic index I couldn’t handle the thought of washing the cake down with soda.  I did decide to pair it with my 85% dark chocolate though which cut the sweetness and was satisfying.

In truth though, I had been having a rough week when it came to staying on the plan.  I had been denying myself my usual favorites and was feeling deprived.  When I misunderstood the intent of an email at work I decided to have a piece of raspberry danish that my boss had brought in earlier in the week.  (For what it is worth the danish should have been stale but it wasn’t so it really begs the question of what else was in it that wasn’t good for me).

I’ve been finding when I have anxiety; I go into a sugar spiral.  When I go into a sugar spiral it leads to more anxiety, frustration and feeling that I am entitled to give in to my sugar cravings.  I am not always good about sharing my feelings with others.  At work, all I needed to do was take a step back and really think about the message that was being conveyed to me rather than reading into it something that wasn’t there to begin with.   With family, I know their patterns and behaviors.  I do not have to allow family members to make me feel bad about something because they feel bad about themselves.

A single cave in can lead to a total derailment.  Today in the “hangover aftermath” of eating the cake and the danish and giving in to a Diet Coke earlier in the week, I am more difficulty than usual resisting the cake, but, I have also worked too hard to lose my progress so far.  I want to be healthy and so I am moving forward.  I’ve made things a lot more difficult than necessary and I have to own that. 

 

So far I have lost about 8 pounds.

 

 

 



Before 5/3/15 228.4 lbs





Now 5/24/15 219.8 lbs